16. Resentments interfere with recovery process

By Tom O'Connell

Feeling resentful about slights and various kinds of abuse can be seen as a natural state of affairs that comes into everyone's life at one time or another. But in recovery from addiction it is especially dangerous to harbor resentment.

The word "harbor" presents an interesting visual picture. A harbor is supposed to be a safe shelter from storms and heaving seas. But if we "harbor" resentment it is like operating a powerboat at full throttle, churning up all the water around us, and letting our boat bounce around out of control in a harbor, crashing into other boats, creating general mayhem, and becoming a health hazard to self and others.

Using another analogy, "The Little Red Book" (Hazelden) says, "Resentment is dynamite to the alcoholic." And this book repeats the Alcoholics Anonymous message that  "resentment is the Number One Offender." Why? "Because it destroys more alcoholics than anything else." When anger escalates it often triggers relapse which can lead to insanity, incarceration, institutionalization, or death.

"The Little Red Book" is emphatic on this subject: "Resentment is pure mental drunkenness. We must treat it mentally and spiritually to remain physically dry." Where does anger originate? This book observes, "In most cases we found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our relationships (including sex), our ambitions, were hurt or threatened. So we were sore; we were burnt up."

In other words, anger arises when people are afraid of losing or not receiving something. So they feel justified in their resentment and the desire for retribution. But what about the price to be paid? The founders of AA state, "It is plain that a life which includes deep resentments leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while."

Do these idealists mean to say that if somebody has neglected or abused me that I  don't have the right to hold that against them? What if somebody stole from me, betrayed me, and put my life in jeopardy? Am I not justified in my resentment?

The point is that there are healthy and unhealthy ways of responding to our emotions. The healthy approach to anger is to be aware of the feeling, look at it, try to understand it, and then decide how to respond reasonably.

The need to avoid chronic resentment is outlined clearly in Emmet Fox's book "The Sermon on the Mount," a book given to new members of AA during the early years of the fellowship. To help readers grasp the practicality of living according to spiritual principles, Fox says, "It cannot be too often repeated that to entertain feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, spite, and so forth, is certain to damage your health in some way or other, and quite likely to damage it very severely indeed. Remember that the question of the justification for such feelings does not arise at all. It has absolutely nothing to do with the results, for the thing is a matter of natural law."

He's talking about karma. What we give out we get back, and the way we think affects us either positively or negatively, either now or later on. Emphasizing the self-destructive nature of resentment, which comes from the Latin word meaning "to feel again," Fox explains, "To entertain negative emotions is to order trouble--primarily physical trouble, and also trouble in general--quite independently of any seeming justification which you may suppose yourself to have."

He says, "To indulge in a sense of execration of anyone (quite irrespective of any question of deserts, or otherwise, in the object of your condemnation) is certain to bring trouble upon your own head proportionate to the intensity of the feeling you entertain, and the number of times or minutes that you devote to it."

Resentment is seen a poison in AA and other character development processes because it holds us back from spiritual growth. It makes us ill, like other poisons do, and not just physically. It is toxic to body, mind and spirit. Resentment can be viewed as an addictive process, and needs to be dealt with. How? By overcoming one's own self-centeredness, by forgiving, by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, by seeing everyone as a child of God no matter what their defects may be, by concentrating on the inner journey no matter what is happening on the outside, by seeking the peace that lies in the center of our beings, by choosing to live in the eye of the worldly hurricane.

So why harbor resentment when it only boomerangs and adds self-inflicted pain to our lives? Why not choose peace instead?

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