23. Spiritual sexuality urged by renowned therapist

By Tom O'Connell

Renowned marriage counselor and sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. reported to the Cape Cod Institute that when he  meets with clients, discussion of their spiritual orientation is an important part of the process. And he has some very distinct opinions on the subject..

In cases of religious, moral or spiritual issues about sex, he told the workshop sponsored by Albert Einstein College of Medicine that some people question whether sex is "natural, holy, and condoned by God." From his view, God has put a spiritual/sexual energy in our bodies. "Everybody has sexual energy."

A witty and dynamic lecturer, Klein, a prolific writer and regularly quoted by Newsweek and Ann Landers, acts as if he is the voice of God and says, "I would like you to express this (sexuality) in a godly way." Klein then expands on this: "Sex is the one place where you can go and experience the perfection of your body...for that I say thank you, God. Similarly, it's a place where you can go and nothing matters. God lets us have this moment when nothing matters."

Discussing what he calls "godly sex," he says, "God may be too busy to micromanage this stuff." Again, as if God is speaking through Klein, he says, "I put the energy in, have your godly sex, I leave the details to you."

Then what is the moral aspect of sex? Does anything and everything go? No. There are guidelines. When Klein sits down with his clients, he outlines three criteria for making sexual decisions: Honesty, consent, and responsibility.

HONESTY: Is something being concealed? Is the relationship exclusive? Is the meaning of sex discussed by the two people before engaging in it?

CONSENT: Is the person in a position to consent? Too young? Coerced? Drunk? "The whole issue of sexual harassment turns on the one idea that when there is a power differential there cannot be consent."

RESPONSIBILITY: This includes concern for the consequences of the behavior. And it respects feelings. Is this act something the person will regret later? Also, there are issues such as contraception or disease protection  

Reflecting on sex throughout history, Klein said that perspectives on sex include seeing it as "a hunger-reduction problem" or as an "appetite." He asserted, "Traditionally, what's supposed to get us through is if you love them enough." But he said that for many people, love is not enough. "It's possible to love and not desire, and this can cause a lot of pain."

Klein also contended, "The problem is that the human brain is wired to value novelty. Only recently do people expect so much from sex. With couples together for a long time, they simultaneously create and maintain a base of emotional security to stand on so they can create the novelty."

Also on the subject of novelty, he said, "If a person is too wrapped up in validation by the partner, he or she is unlikely to take risks around novelty because the stakes are so high. We value their opinion so much it prevents us from taking the risk. I don't know anybody who has really solved that dilemma. In the old days when people died young, that solved the problem."

Klein discussed the darker side of sex too. For example, wanting to be craved, to be seen as an object of desire. "There's a part of us that wants to be craved." He referred to the constantly recurring theme of romance novels in which the woman desires to be "ravished" by a man who wants her so much he is willing to break all the rules.

Another example is "wanting to be pushed to overcome our resistance." He said, "There's  a part of us that wants to be pushed." And he pointed out that it is a very delicate matter to know when "no" means "no" or "probably not" or "when you talk me into it." Klein says "no" means "a lot of different things" and "it's very complicated."

Discussing resistance, he says it's the "part of our erotic or sexual intelligence that really gets into the 'power' play. There's something inside of us that has an intelligence, an energy of its own. It's an energy that's wired in and driving us to experience certain things in a different way. And part of sex is a power component. All sexuality has a power  component."  

So it's easy to see why so many people have so much difficulty with their sexuality, and why there may be a need for sessions with a sex therapist, especially with one who realizes that the spiritual aspect of sexual relations is extremely important.

One of the most powerful statements Klein made during his presentation was on the subject of morality: "The idea that morality equals deprivation is a mistake. Godliness is about what's in your heart and what kind of relationship you have with the other person."

Dr. Klein maintains a popular website at www.sexed.org and conducts an online Forum for professionals on Behavior Online at http://www.behavior.net.

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