34. Self-centeredness rampant in addicted society

By Tom O'Connell

"Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles," wrote AA co-founder Bill Wilson in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," otherwise known as the "Big Book." There are many factors in addiction, but at the core of this disease of unhealthy dependence is the self-centeredness described by Wilson.

This self-centeredness can be found in the words "unhealthy dependence" in the following definition: "Addiction is unhealthy dependence on behaviors that impair our ability to function to full potential." In the next definition the self-centeredness lies in our way of "adapting." Here's the definition: "Addiction is a disease in which any technique for adapting to life is used other than healthy interpersonal relating."

Other self-centered factors at the heart of addiction are very relevant too, especially the Five Cs: Craving, Compulsion, loss of Control despite efforts to control, and Continuing the behavior despite life-damaging Consequences.

In the society we live in, this addictive self-centeredness is pervasive. During a short drive today to attend a seminar on psychology, with a few errands thrown in, I rounded a rotary, having the right of way, and a Mack truck came from my right at high speed with no intention of obeying the "Yield" sign in his lane. I got by him in the nick of time, but  . apparently he thought I had interfered with his momentum, so a short distance up the road he pulled up beside me and gave his engine a loud intimidating roar. Instead of responding in any way, I hit the brake and let him fly to his destination. I don't race with Mack trucks, nor with any other vehicle, for that matter. And I don't have to choose to have my eardrums invaded by the anger-inspired noise of self-centered speeders.

A few minutes later I was about to go through an intersection on a green light when a shiny Lincoln came zooming through a stop sign to my right and I managed to avoid him. The right-on-red rule requires stopping first, then proceeding with caution. This driver did neither, and then a few feet up the road he took a quick left into a driveway. He wasn't really going anywhere on an emergency basis, obviously. He was just being self-centered, operating in his own little world of self-importance. And my safety was not his concern.

A while later I made a visit to my P.O. Box, and when I got out of my car I thought I heard someone talking to me. The voice was quite loud. "Now what?" It was just another cell phone addict, staying in touch with home. Then in the Post Office I was peacefully opening my mail when a young woman breezed up to the package wrapping table next to me and yanked off a  large piece of kraft paper from the roll, and then spun around with it so fast that it flew by my left eye within a fraction of an inch. As far as she was concerned I was invisible. She had a mission to perform, and that was that.

When I was about to go into a convenience store a few minutes later, I heard some extremely loud music coming from a very expensive white sports car in a no-parking zone, with its motor running, its windows wide open, and nobody in the car. The driver was in the store performing his or her mission, and was not concerned about parking restrictions, anyone else's preference in music, or the possibility that some of us appreciate relative silence. The intrusive self-centered driver was only concerned with his or her own sense of urgency and self-indulgence.

What do these examples have to do with addiction? Perhaps these people were on large doses of caffeine or some other stimulant that sent their impatience level zooming upward, but addiction is not limited to substances. It appears in all unhealthy behaviors that damage the relationship to self and others, and we see evidence of it everywhere we go.

A last example that I will present in this essay is the proliferation of what a friend of mine calls "yipping dogs." Since becoming more conscious of them, I have noticed that in just about every neighborhood where I choose to take a leisurely walk, there are yipping dogs. Many of them yip at everyone who passes by. Some of them yip day and night whether or not anyone is passing by. Are they attention-starved? Neglected? Abused? Whatever the case, their owners seem to be either unaware or unconcerned that the eternal yipping of their beloved pets might be making it difficult for others to achieve a moment of serenity...study an important subject...or get a few hours sleep.

However, we're all part of the problem at one time or another. "I have found the enemy, and the enemy is us," said Pogo. Who among us doesn't offend people by our behavior? Other drivers? Other shoppers? Our  neighbors? But some addicts are sicker than others, and certainly they are more offensive. They leave a trail of frustration behind them as they pursue their addictions to such cravings as the thrill of speed, the intoxication of power, the anesthetic of noise, and the self-indulgent pursuit of pleasure and satisfaction.

So what's going on? Is this an epidemic of sorts, this seeming lack of concern for others?

Driving on the highway involves relating, and we see far too few examples of healthy relating on our roads. When trying to take a left turn, if you're lucky, about one in twenty cars will give you a wave and let you proceed. Yet I believe that deep inside all of us is a caring soul that can be very unselfish but needs to be nurtured. That's why I initiated a major highway courtesy campaign in Massachusetts more than two decades ago, and some of the bumper stickers are still around: "A Little Courtesy Won't Kill You." However, the campaign was only heavily funded by the insurance industry for a year. Then it tapered off.

Today I believe we need a massive public awareness effort designed to encourage courtesy throughout society, at all age levels. The opposite self-centered extreme is a setup for addictive lifestyles and is poisonous to our existence as a civilization. "Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles." Bill Wilson's idea applies to all aspects of life, and needs our ongoing thought and our attention. And if we can't get a nationwide campaign going, at least I can "let it begin with me."

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