7. Cyber sex problems are proliferating

By Tom O'Connell

"Pornography is the third largest economic sector after software and computers," according to sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes. He says there are 95 million visitors to hard core porn sites every month.

Reporting to the 12th Cape Cod Symposium on Addictive Disorders, Carnes said, "The planet is in a kind of race between the forces of chaos and violence and a consciousness about protecting children and doing things differently sexually between men and women."

Carnes, the Clinical Director for Sexual Disorders Services at The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, points to underlying problems of addicts that need to be dealt with. These include trauma, violence, pain and shame. Citing the National Violence Against Women survey, he says 55 percent of women and 67 percent of men have been raped or physically assaulted during their  lifetime.

This connection between sex and violence is nothing new. It's just that the link is being discussed more openly in our times. But how are we to know if we are addicted or just experiencing a habit that does us no harm?

Explaining the criteria for addictive disorders, Carnes emphasizes "loss of control." This is "a clear behavior in which you do more than you intend or want."

One example is a man who buys 150 sex videos and then throws them away and starts over. Another man, proud of telling the truth, finds himself telling lies because he has become addicted to alcohol, cocaine and women. A third example is a "romance junkie" who tells her therapist she's not a sex addict, then one night instead of going to bed she stays on the Internet at sex sites all night, ends up with sleep deprivation, turns to phone sex, goes out to meet strangers, gets beaten and left for dead in a hotel, and finally calls her therapist and says, "You're right, I have a problem."

"Compulsive behavior" is an important factor in sex addiction. "It's a pattern of out-of-control behavior over time," says Carnes, "and efforts to stop the behavior repeatedly fail." Loss of significant amounts of time goes with the territory too.

Another key word is "preoccupation." This means "obsessing about or because of the behavior." And in the process, items may become "triggers," i.e. windows for a voyeur, or a provocative tv commercial for a compulsive masturbator.

Another factor in sex addiction is the "inability to fulfill obligations," says Carnes. This is when "the behavior interferes with work, school, family or friendships." He gives an example of a medical school student who had HIV and also had unprotected sex with some 200 people within a period of 16 weeks. "Knowing what you do does not stop you," explains Carnes. This relates to the powerful "craving" that accompanies addictions.          

In the case of an executive who was a cocaine addiction and alcoholic, Carnes said the man used the drugs to extend his masturbation over 15 to 20 hours. "This creates an unbelievable trance...and he began not showing for his work."

Another key factor in addiction is "continuing the behavior" despite life-damaging consequences. A CEO comes out of a treatment program for sex addiction, and instead of receiving aftercare he experiments "a little" with drugs and sexual behavior. Not only does he end up in jail, he fights with the police officer and ends up dead.

"Escalation" is another key word for sexual addiction. "There's a need to make the behavior more intense, more frequent, more risky." It's similar to the use of nicotine and other drugs. More and more is needed. And more is never quite enough.

An example of escalation is the case of a monk who discovered pornography on the Internet and was strongly attracted to it. "He loved his community," explains Carnes. But his addiction escalated. "Then he felt an incredible sense of loss of his community."

Why can't a person who is sexually addicted just stop? Withdrawal symptoms emerge. "Stopping the behavior causes distress, anxiety, restlessness, irritability, and even physical discomfort."

In summary, sex addiction, like other addictions, involves craving, compulsion, loss of control, and continuing the behavior despite life-damaging consequences.

However, quitting is only the beginning. A sex addict needs to adopt a new way of life and usually has to deal with complex underlying issues, some of which may be traced back to early trauma. Other factors may rest in the human condition itself, which is subject to deep feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. From this perspective, addiction may be seen as an attempt to cope with the problems of life. But it's a misguided method. At any rate,  the good news is that addiction, when treated, often sets the stage for psychological and spiritual growth. So there is hope even for the most desperate.

- Back -