9. "Love is a Many Splendored Thing"

By Tom O'Connell

"Love is a Many Splendored Thing," according to an old song. Of course, there was another old song with a different thrust. It was titled "Send in the Clowns." Obviously, there's a little bit of truth in both sentiments.

In the search for lasting love we tend to get caught by our own fantasies and illusions and then we try to make the partner live up to them. All too often, the fantasies have a strongly sensual component. Is there a problem with sensuality? Isn't there a place for it? Sure, but it changes. Moods shift. Yesterday's tea has a slightly different flavor today. And the attempt to recapture original thrills leads to addiction, which is always destructive.

Yet there is a strong craving to connect. And that's human. It's an ancient drive, and no superficial one. In Latin the word for "sex" means "to cut." And I wonder if this goes back to a very old concept that one person (Adam) was cut in half, with one part male and the other female (Eve). Destined to come together as Adam and Eve, they were two separate yet united beings.

This ancient union may help explain the power of the sex drive. So perhaps, in a caring relationship, the separated halves are rejoined physically, psychologically, and spiritually, which includes far more than repetitive acts of sexual intercourse. In a committed relationship, a new entity is created, a kind of new being.

I think this rejoined state, this reunion of halves, is that natural state of wholeness we are striving for in our intimate relationships. It's a state in which two halves add up to more than one whole. And it's a state of living, or lifestyle, that can be liberating, maturing and fulfilling...because its basis is love.

But what is love? Ah, there's the rub. There are many theories because real love is mysterious and defies rigid explanations. But you know it when you have it. And its joy makes its presence known when you are giving or receiving it.

I greatly appreciate the way psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan chose to describe love: "When the satisfaction or security of another person becomes as significant as your own...a state of love exists."

Then there is Erich Fromm's belief that love is a decision to "know, care, respond, respect..." The word "respect" means to "look at." How many people are willing to truly look at each other in mutual respect as whole persons?

Fromm views real love as an art form requiring discipline, concentration, patience, concern with mastery, faith, courage, and activity. Is love quick and easy? Or is it complex? The qualities Fromm lists are the same ingredients we need when we try to master any behavior, aren't they? Yet imagine the results throughout the world if we were all willing to work at love as a way of life that demands the best we have to give.

C.S. Lewis emphasizes that "to love is to be vulnerable." He also say promiscuous sex is like chewing things and then spitting them out again. And in an Asian parable, impetuous lust is described as eating the flower instead of waiting for the fruit to ripen.

I once heard some unforgettable words about love and connectedness from Anna Ornstein, a highly respected psychologist who was giving the keynote address at the 25th anniversary of the founding of Family Counseling and Guidance Centers in Boston. Ornstein told the psychotherapists very pointedly, "Feeling understood is the only way an adult can be validated."

Then came the challenge of making that happen. How are  we able to validate or truly love one another? Not through manipulation. Not through insisting on our own way. And certainly not through the self-centered, addictive pursuit of pleasure. Ornstein's key word for the day was "empathy," which she defined as the ability "to realize and understand another person's feelings, needs and suffering."

What brief, thought-provoking, and powerful statements Anna Ornstein made that evening. And what a gift sincere empathy can be for our loved one, or when we receive it. Then we feel understood, and we are validated.

Empathy is the opposite of indifference, which hurts and shrivels us. Empathy not only heals, it expands both giver and receiver. And it is a critically important ingredient in what we describe as "love."

However, we are all flawed in one way or another, especially in our attempts to communicate our thoughts and feelings. And even our attempts at empathy can lead to misunderstandings as we pursue meaningful intimacy and lasting love.

When the challenges seem daunting we can easily relate to the song "Send in the Clowns." Still, on the other hand, there are treasured periods of time when we can nod our heads in assent and say with heartfelt enthusiasm, "Love is a Many Splendored Thing."

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