27. Addiction is an unhealthy substitute for meeting internal needs

By Tom O'Connell

Addiction can be seen from many perspectives because it is a disorder that affects us physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually. In other words, it's holistic. But narrowing our focus to a psychological and spiritual perspective, addiction can be viewed as an unhealthy substitute for meeting fundamental internal needs.

The addict may seem to be demented, but the addict is simply looking outside the self in an attempt to adapt to life. The process chosen may be self-damaging, but that's not the original intention. Ordinarily, the journey into addiction begins when the person chooses to try a substance or a behavior in order to feel better. It is just an experiment.

When the experiment seems to work because the mood changes for a while, the person repeats the experiment to the point where it becomes a habit. And when the habit begins to hurt the person performing it, the problem that emerges is unhealthy dependence. In other words...addiction. 

This leads us to Dr. Stanley Gitlow's definition of addiction: "A disease in which any technique for adapting to life is used other than interpersonal relating." Instead of adapting through healthy intimate interpersonal relationships, the impaired person  is blocked in some way from healthy relating, and retreats into isolation and addiction.

Bear in mind that we can be isolated when we are surrounded by people in families, at social events, or even in churches and synagogues designed to reduce our sense of isolation by giving us a sense of community. If we are not getting our fundamental needs met, we can feel isolated anywhere and everywhere.

Much of this feeling of isolation is based on not feeling understood. As psychologist Anna Ornstein once said, "Feeling understood is the only way an adult can be validated." How many people feel understood by their loved ones, their colleagues, their clients, their customers? How many people feel validated in their relationships?

Unfortunately, our attempts to find validation in the material world always fall short. The new car rapidly becomes used. The new suit gets snagged on a chair splinter in a restaurant. The new job becomes repetitive. The vacation spot loses its sizzle. The relationship becomes less exciting. The drive for success turns to exhaustion.

For a while, yes, we think we're meeting our needs. But many people have lost touch with these basic human needs: a sense of belonging, a sense of worth, and a sense of competence. And addictive pursuits don't satisfy those needs. At least, not for long.

There may be a sense of belonging when the compulsive gambler is at the track. But when the last dollar is spent, where has the crowd gone? In the alcoholic fog there may be a fleeting sense of self-worth as dreams of glory are created or grandiose future plans are formulated. But how does the world look when the hangover sets in? When the compulsive sexual behavior is acted out, it may seem for a while that the techniques for heightening sexual ecstasy border on genius, but what happens when the sexual energy supply doesn't meet the expectations of the partner? Or one's own expectations?  

The ascent to health and wholeness was summed up for alcoholics by Dr. Bob Smith, a co-founder of AA: "Trust God, clean house, and help others." When people do that, they nurture their sense of belonging, their feelings of  worth, and an attitude of competence. And this provides internal healing that helps people deal with life.

It matters little what the addictive practice is; addiction is addiction. It's an unhealthy dependence on behaviors that impair our ability to function to full potential, and it involves dependence on flawed techniques that we think will help us adapt to life. But instead of fulfilling our potential, we find that our addictions have sidetracked our sense of belonging, our sense of worth, and our competence to fulfill ourselves.

When we feel understood, we develop our sense of belonging, and it's a remedy for feelings of alienation and separateness. But when we go against our own basic values  instead of developing a sense of worth, we end up feeling like a nobody. Also, when we fail to develop our talents and abilities to the point where they are useful, we've aborted our opportunity to achieve competence. We've said, "I can't..." instead of "I can...."

What's the ultimate solution for addiction? I believe it's the same one the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous turned to in 1935. It includes belief in a Higher Power, and the realization that each of us is a child of a loving God. Such a belief system is the foundation for a sense of belonging, a belief in one's own worth, and an attitude of competence.

The belief system of the Twelve Step recovery programs continues to help millions of people find "healing," and that happens to be the meaning of the word "salvation." Instead of pursuing illusions provided by addictions, recovering people learn to relate in more healthy ways to self, others, and God. And this brings psychological and spiritual healing that leads to a sense of belonging, a sense of worth, and a sense of competence. It's a precious journey.

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