35. Adult children of alcoholics are challenged by close relationships

By Tom O'Connell

Any close relationship can be challenging, given the high probability of communication mishaps and misunderstandings, but intimate relationships are especially challenging for people raised in alcoholic homes. Does that mean they are more challenged than everybody else? No. A person raised in any kind of poorly functioning home can be adversely affected by what went on in the family of origin.

Fortunately, for about 20 years now, considerable attention has been given to the alcoholic family system, and much has been learned about adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs). But if you have not been raised in an alcoholic family, you may still identify with the material presented here as we compare alcoholic families with healthy families.

In the alcoholic home, life revolves around the moods of the addicted one. In the healthy family, emphasis is on nurturing the children and each other. Attention to children is not well focused in the alcoholic home, and the parents aren't fully present. But in the healthy home, the child receives focused attention. So the bond between parent and child is weak in the alcoholic home, and strong in healthy families.

Communication in the alcoholic home is emotionally dishonest and is often shut down completely. In the healthy home, communication is open and honest. Also, the family system in the alcoholic home tends to be closed and inflexible, whereas in the healthy home it's open and flexible. Isolation from others is common in the alcoholic setting. But in healthy families people interact well within the family and outside of it.

Boundaries between the generations and between individuals are blurred in  alcoholic homes, and people tend to be enmeshed, intrusive, and inconsistent. In the healthy home there are clear boundaries based on respect, consistency, and predictability.

Trust, a major factor in all close relationships, is missing in alcoholic homes. In a healthy home, trust is basic to relating. A grasp of reality, another important factor in relationships, is either distorted in alcoholic homes, or subject to rapid changes. In a healthy family, reality is not denied or ignored. It is validated and consistent.

Discipline in an alcoholic home is irrational and inconsistent, but in the healthy home it's rational and consistent. When it comes to reinforcement and emotional support, these important items are given short shrift in the alcoholic setting. In the healthy family they are consistent and predictable.

Personal development is interrupted in the alcoholic home, but in a healthy family the child proceeds through developmental tasks in an orderly way. Also, role models in the alcoholic home are inappropriate for sex and age, whereas in the healthy home they are age and sex appropriate.

Parents in alcoholic homes express themselves inappropriately, and tend to be restricted or excessive. And the feelings of the children are not expressed because they are not honored and may even be prohibited. In a healthy family feelings are expressed appropriately

What about abuse? Abuse of all kinds is common in alcoholic homes: physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and spiritual. In a healthy family, interactions are not abusive. Instead, an atmosphere of love prevails.

Now that you've looked at some of the differences between the alcoholic family and the healthy family, is it any wonder that adults raised in alcoholic homes have serious problems in close relationships?

Also, here's something to think about. Somewhere between ten and twenty percent of families in America are troubled by alcoholism and alcohol-related problems. So, as one generation breeds another, there's a high probability that many new alcoholics will emerge in existing alcoholic families. And they are at high risk for relationship problems.

Even those children who do not become alcoholics will be carrying the unhealthy results of living in alcoholic homes. So, when they reach adulthood, if not sooner, they will be attracted to what is familiar, and will probably link up with another alcoholic or adult child. The end result? Problems in relationships.

What kinds of problems? Destructive relationships, emotional and physical abuse, broken relationships, neglected and abandoned children, financial stress, physical ailments, and mental disease.

Left untreated, ACOAs are at risk for many problems in their lives. But sessions with a knowledgeable therapist can help. And so can involvement in Al-Anon's meetings for adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs).

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