36. Sexual addiction impairs close relationships

By Tom O'Connell

Excessive sexual behavior can legitimately be called "addiction" because it fits a  broad definition of addiction. Also, it's important to realize that when we become sexually addicted we are forming a triangle that impairs the health of our close relationships.

What's the simplest notion of addictive disease? Any unhealthy dependence that impairs our ability to function to our full potential. Also, we may say we're addicted when we use any technique to adapt to life other than healthy interpersonal relating.

When are we addicted to sex? When it is the central focus of our life, taking precedence over all else. When we crave it and keep thinking about it constantly. When we feel compelled to do it. When we lose control over our behavior even though we plan not to. When we continue to engage in unhealthy sexual behavior even though we know the consequences are life-damaging. 

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who designed the Golden Valley Health Center's Sexual Dependency Unit, is one of the most knowledgeable people in America on sexual addiction, and he has this to say: "The more we learn about sexual addiction, the more we realize the need to broaden our understanding of addictions and how they interrelate."

What does he mean? In our times, multiple addictions are the rule rather than the exception. And when we stop one addiction we usually shift our energy to another one that may not be as severe at first. Then it escalates.

It's common in recovery from alcoholism for people to make up for the absence of alcohol, their drug of choice, by turning to more gambling, sex, compulsive shopping, overeating, excessive caffeine consumption, and just about every other addictive behavior.

When it comes to treating addictions, Carnes notes, "We are very naive about treating illnesses that move back and forth...treatment centers must develop means of addressing the interactive dynamics of multiple addiction."

The ordinary person needs to be more understanding too. If one of our loved ones contracts sexual addiction we ought to provide the same level of compassion we offer to overeaters, workaholics and alcoholics. Addiction is an equal opportunity situation, even though some of the specifics may differ. .       

Although addiction is addiction, much has been learned about its neurochemistry  recently, notes Carnes. "Whether the addiction is chemical, eating, gambling, or sexual, it taps into the same neurochemistry in one of three major pathways: the arousal addictions, the satisfaction addictions, and the fantasy addictions. Sexual addiction has been called the piece de resistance because it crosses all three neuropath ways."

His classification makes sense, and he differs strongly with the idea that addiction is limited to externally ingested drugs. "Those who rely upon the presence of an externally ingested drug to define an addiction do not comprehend the large body of evidence in the field of addiction logy that shows this to be absolutely untrue."

In simple terms, our brain is an electrochemical factory which can be altered in many different ways. Every athlete knows this. Every excitement junkie knows this. Every gambler knows this. And every sex addict knows this.

Our brain chemistry is responsive to each action we perform and every thought we have. It's responsive to each feeling and sensation that comes our way. And our brain chemistry is usually struggling to help us maintain our balance. It warns us when we are excessive or too inactive, by sending us signals like dizziness, nausea,  headaches, chest pains, and an amazing range of symptoms both physical and psychological.

What comes first? The addiction? Or a genetic predisposition in the brain? For some people it may be genetic. For others the brain chemistry is simply responding to excessive behavior and changing its own wiring. For many, it's a combination of the two.

This is a bit like the old nature versus nurture battle in psychology. Which one can be proven? Which one is true? Let's choose the middle course and avoid the extremes.

Basically, the tendency to become dependent comes with the human condition. Why shouldn't it arise as easily in our sexual behavior as in our drinking behavior?

Regardless of the scientific theories, the real problem is that every addiction damages our relationships to self, others, and God. So addiction has to be dealt with because creating healthy relationships should be our top priority.

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