7. Infatuation leads to addictive relationships

By Tom O'Connell

Many people think they "fall in love." But is it falling in love or sliding into addiction? Are they mistaking infatuation for love?

"Infatuatio" in Latin means "foolish." But when we "fall in love" it feels so permanent! The dictionary explains that we are "thoroughly under the influence of foolish passion, acting without sense or reason." We're not in our right minds.

Like travelers in the desert, we're attracted to the "ignis fatuus" or "foolish fire" which is a false light or illusion instead of the nurturing campfire we thought we saw on the horizon. Infatuation is like being in love with the idea of love more than the reality.

St. Augustine, a self-identified addict, chased love passionately and wrote, "I loved not yet, yet I loved to love...I sought that I might love, in love with loving." In healthy relationships we need more than an illusion. But it's natural in the early stages of a close relationship to think we've found the perfect partner. It becomes supernatural when we discover our partner's imperfections yet choose to practice unselfish love regardless.

To develop a healthy relationship we need to build on a foundation of unselfish love, not on the false light of infatuation or the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake. To live we need to connect with others, and that's what the word "relate" means. But our challenge is to connect with another in a balanced, not an addictive way.

Also, we ought to remember that our partner shouldn't be expected to fulfill all of our insatiable needs. After all, our perceived "needs" are subject to change based on our own moods and desires which are self-centered and unpredictable.

Self-centered expectations sabotage otherwise healthy relationships. It's our excessive desires, assumptions, and expectations that lead us astray. When we act out our need to connect in the same way we approach our use of alcohol and other addictive love objects, what happens? We feel good briefly, feel unfulfilled the rest of the time, and we are about as close to understanding real love as Columbus was to reaching the Orient.

Romantic love is by nature exhilarating. It operates like cocaine, with a series of highs followed by a series of resounding crashes. There is no middle ground in addictive relating, and yet the middle ground is usually where love lives. In the middle ground we will sacrifice our self-centered "needs" for the sake of the one we truly love. And we will learn to think of our needs as "preferences." It makes for a more peaceful life.

In addictive love "More is better." In healthy love "Enough is enough." There's nothing wrong with romance. There's nothing wrong with  placing a bet once in a while either, but if you're a compulsive gambler one bet will lead to trouble

If we expect endless romance, our thinking is unbalanced because we're caught up in self-centered infatuation and acting "without sense or reason." The problem is that if we're too reasonable we ignore the demands of the heart that need to be honored. Yet if we're too emotional we lose our reasoning powers and get ourselves into trouble.

Is there another way? Yes. It's the way that perfectly blends intelligence and love. It lets us use our God-given reasoning powers and at the same time it encourages us to love from a deep place. The word for this way is "wisdom" and one prayer that helps us get there is the Serenity Prayer.

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