21. Fine dividing line between love and sexual addiction

By Tom O'Connell

"Love is a many splendored thing," an old sung once proclaimed. Then another song suggested, "Send in the clowns." Many of us have chased love enthusiastically and often played the fool. But maybe it's all part of a natural state of existence, not an aberration. In a life where change is the only constant, and we're all in a state of flux, is it any wonder that when we try to connect we "fall" into addiction instead of love?

Looking at love, Freud noticed the link between "love" and "hypnotism." He said, "From being in love to hypnosis is evidently only a short step."  Then he described the lover's "subjection...compliance...absence of criticism...sapping of initiative." The love object has consumed the lover's ego, for a time. But eventually the fusion turns to confusion, and brings with it disillusionment. And if we're not blind to reality, we may come to realize that we've been hypnotized first, and have then become sexually addicted.

Psychologist Stanton Peele comments on sexual addiction this way: "When a constant exposure to something is necessary in order to make life bearable, an addiction has been brought about, however romantic the trappings." This is very close to Dr. Stanley Gitlow's definition of addiction as "any technique for adapting to life other than interpersonal relating." Addiction is about the inability to relate.

But isn't having sex with a partner "a relationship"? It all depends on our attitude. Are we giving or taking, nurturing or demanding, demonstrating our affection or satisfying a primitive craving? When the sex act becomes our primary goal and we use it to feed our self-centeredness we're asking for trouble. "Often, two people simultaneously engulf each other," says Peele. "The result is a full-fledged addiction, where each partner draws the other back at any sign of a loosening of the bonds that hold them together."

In addiction, self-centeredness is at the core, and it impairs relating. Even Bill Wilson, in AA's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book, wrote, "the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives. If we have placed instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled back into disillusionment. But when we place spiritual growth first, then and only then do we have a real chance." In AA's "Big Book," he wrote, "We subjected each relation to this test, was it selfish or not?"

Psychologist Stanton Peele says this about the addict's self-centeredness: "Unsure of his own identity, the addict sees other people as objects to serve his needs." That's why the focus on "meeting my needs" in relationships can be a dangerous one in recovery. It can lead to increased self-centeredness, which sets us up for more addictive behavior.

To deal with this hazard, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous turned to the Oxford Groups and adopted their values of honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love. These were the direct opposites of the alcoholic's dishonesty, self-seeking, selfishness, and fear.

Are the alcoholics the only ones who are self-centered? No. We're all candidates for addictive relationships. And sexual addiction is especially powerful. But real love is more powerful. Love differs from sexual addiction because it rises above the need to use the other person for one's own pleasure. Love includes the desire to grow spiritually, and to wish this for one's partner too. And although we often play the fool while pursuing love, I still believe that love is a many splendored thing.

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