23. Conflict resolution important in recovery

By Tom O'Connell

In recovery from addictions, attention ought to be paid to conflict, which is an inevitable part of life. Conflict can be uncomfortable, unpleasant, and even life-threatening, but it comes with the territory of being human. And we need to learn to deal with it.

Much of a chemically dependent person's life before recovery is spent overreacting to pain, dodging it, or anesthetizing it. So when conflict arises it may trigger an outburst of rage or result in denial of hurt feelings. Healthy conflict is preferable to these extremes.

Conflict happens between two people when they think they are being harmed or threatened. An offending behavior triggers negative thoughts, and this stimulates feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they're just natural responses. But if we entertain negative feelings we're setting ourselves up for trouble, and we may react in a way that can be  hurtful to ourselves or another person.

When I think I've been harmed by your behavior, survival instincts are aroused and I want to protect myself. Faced with urges to fight or run away, I may feel anger, frustration, confusion, or other emotional discomfort. And this usually happens when I perceive a threat to my person, opinions, beliefs, or basic values and standards. But I don't have to react in the heat of the moment. I can think the situation through, and make a conscious choice to overlook or confront. Peace is an option, but not peace at any price.

When someone's behavior hurts me it's much like being "stung," so I feel "wounded."  And in every human transaction there's potential for being the stinger or the wounded one. Often the harm we inflict or receive is neither intentional nor serious, but it still hurts. So we have to take responsibility for our part. And we need to be willing to have dialogue about it.

Actually, in relationships we usually take turns being the stinger or wounded one, and sometimes play both roles in unison. If I'm the stinger I'm apt to underestimate the effects of my actions, and if I'm the wounded one I may exaggerate the harm done.

When conflict does occur, and overlooking is not the best option, it's important to resolve it in a healthy way. First, there should be a close look at the offending behavior.  Second, the feelings that were set off by the behavior need to be explored. Third, both the stinger and the wounded one ought to share rational thoughts about their personal values, beliefs, and standards for behavior. Then there will be a chance to resolve the problem.

If one of the parties won't take responsibility for the action that pressed the other's hot button, the conflict won't be resolved. And if one tries to shame the other for displaying feelings the process won't be fruitful. Also, if the wounded one retaliates in an extreme way when the stinger attempts rational discussion the process will be in jeopardy. 

Conflict is risky, and touchy. And too much of it is destructive. But healthy conflict enhances relationships, provides growth, and can lead to deeper levels of harmony.

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