24. Healthy conflict enhances serenity

By Tom O'Connell

Resentment can threaten the survival of a relationship by setting off an explosive conflict. But healthy conflict is an option. And with a little bit of patience, two people can engage in conflict while retaining both their serenity and their friendship.

When we feel we have been wounded by someone else's behavior we can decide on an appropriate time and place for discussion. Obviously, we shouldn't try to resolve conflict when we are caught up in extreme feelings that may spark still greater conflicts.

Once we have arrived at a safe place for discussion, the wounded one should state the problem clearly, including thoughts and feelings about what has happened. This is easier said than done. To understand the problem it may need to be defined carefully and explored thoroughly. How did the problem develop? When? How often? How Long?

Consider each person's perceptions and impressions. Look at possible causes of the problem. What about deeper issues the problem may touch on? Childhood abandonment. A history of abuse or neglect. Trust issues based on betrayal by others. Fear of intimacy.

We should also discuss values that impact on the problem. Convictions. Beliefs. Biases. Then we need to decide what can or cannot be negotiated to resolve the problem.

At this point we're ready for a step-by-step process. The wounded one explains what has happened. And the "stinger" who has done the wounding listens carefully and patiently, avoiding the urge to interrupt.

The stinger then mirrors, or echoes, the wounded one's words and tries to see the situation from the other's point of view. "I think I've heard you right. Basically, you're telling me I've hurt you by doing what I did." Then comes validation. "What you just said makes sense. It was clear, and I understand you." The next step is empathy. "I can imagine how you must feel about what happened. If I were you I guess I'd feel that way too."

At this point, when the wounded one knows the stinger has heard and understood, the wounded one asks for a change in the stinger's behavior. The stinger then agrees to the behavior change or offers another solution. The conflict may end here, but there may be a stalemate that will require a creative solution, or even an agreement to disagree.

When agreement is reached, each person should thank the other for being willing to participate in healthy dialogue and discussion. Finally, there needs to be forgiveness, with no judgment or criticism held in reserve. Resentments and a lack of forgiveness will poison a relationship, so it's important to find out why we can't set ourselves free from any negativity we're holding onto.

At the end of the conflict resolution process, it's good to have a ritual that signifies peace and good will. A handshake or a hug will do, followed by a sigh of relief, a taste of harmony, a feeling of emotional health. Then life goes on...until the next conflict. 

With our conflict resolved, we should affirm the need to accept responsibility for our own lives, and not expect others to provide our happiness. We should resolve to try to avoid stinging others. And we should use words carefully, as suggested in AA's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book: "Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen."

Like other experiences that bring pain, conflict can promote our psychological and spiritual growth. But all things in moderation. Nothing in excess...including conflict.

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