44. Sex addiction definition and warning signs

By Tom O'Connell

One of the best lectures I have attended on sex addiction was presented by Marilyn Volker, a therapist from the University of Miami Medical School. She was very clear.

Sexual addiction fits the basic definition of addiction, she said, and it involves "the continued use of sex/love relationships despite adverse consequences which increase pain and lessen pleasure and which have made a person's life progressively unmanageable."

Volker explained, "Sex addicts rely on someone outside themselves in an attempt to get their unmet needs fulfilled."

She listed these thought-provoking signs of addictive love:

•     Feels consumed.

•     Can't define ego boundaries.

•     Fears letting go.

•     Fears risk, change, the unknown.

•     Allows little individual growth.

•     Lacks true intimacy.

•     Plays psychological games.

•     Gives in order to get.

Volker also said that sex addicts attempt to change the other person while at the same time needing the other in order to feel complete. Paradoxically, as they seek solutions outside themselves, they will demand and expect unconditional love while refusing commitment.

Looking to the other for affirmation and worth, sex addicts fear abandonment even upon routine separation, she explained. Their addiction recreates old negative fears and feelings. Caught in the trap of desiring closeness yet fearing it, they will attempt to take care of the other's feeling, and at the same time play power games.

Volker said those who hook up with sexual addicts have co-dependency problems. They may distort reality to preserve the relationship, or use sex as a punishment or reward. Sometimes they will threaten to have sex outside the primary relationship to create jealousy in the addict. And they may actually have sex with others to retaliate.

Co-dependents are likely to act or dress sexy to gain attention, and will be sexual with the addict to prevent the addict from being sexual with others. Also, co-dependents in addictive relationships are likely to be alcoholics or compulsive overeaters. In addition, they tend to entertain assumptions about "all men" or "all women."

Since sexual addiction and co-dependency affect self-esteem, Volker said these conditions pose a threat to recovering people. She suggested that recovering alcoholics and other kinds of addicts with sexual issues should use self-help groups, therapists and counselors to increase their awareness, receive assessment, explore issues, make decisions,. reprogram themselves, and move on into an expanded life.  

There's life beyond sex addiction. A fulfilling, happier life. But getting there requires a journey of self-discovery. May you have the courage to meet its challenges.

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