46. Many people exhibit compulsive behavior in the workplace

By Tom O'Connell

The workplace usually brings us very close to others, and that's where "hidden" problems such as alcoholism in the family may impair work relationships. Each alcoholic not only adversely affects a spouse, but also contagiously spreads toxic behavior over children, and anyone else he or she deals with.

Fortunately, much has been learned about adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs). They aren't unique. They're just more vulnerable and sensitive than people who haven't experienced that trauma. But the way they deal with their sensitivities can be a problem.

Family therapist Robert Subby, a pioneer in this field, told a conference of healthcare professionals that ACOAs use overwork, substance misuse, overeating, and other compulsions "as a medication." And this affects the way they relate.

The executive director of Family Systems Center in Edina, Minnesota, emphasized that ACOAs are not the only ones who do this. Many others cope this way. And the view that addiction is a form of self-medication has been around for decades. But adult children are at risk because they tend to be more extreme when responding to life situations.

The process in the workplace has its own logic. The person from an alcoholic home shows up for work. An authority figure treats her in a way that echoes some abuse she has experienced from a parent. And now she feels she's in a position that compromises her values. This triggers anxiety. And the anxiety leads to self-medication. Some work long hours. Others turn to overeating. Others get lost in addictive relationships. And others drink too much. To cope with the toxic situations they face in the workplace, many people turn to obsessive/compulsive behaviors. And the consequences can be devastating.

A key issue, according to Subby, is that "ACOAs' compulsions are fueled by their lack of clear identity. They are sincerely deluded. They look good, they have material things, and they are caught up in a childlike approach to gaining approval....They're afraid to make choices that may lead to rejection and abandonment."

Subby said that for ACOAs the workplace can be "a seductive trap." Work sites abound with possibilities for rejection and abandonment. Also, he said an ACOA can damage his or her own self-esteem by being overly aggressive or by being passive. And they face problems with autonomy as well as with trust.

Because they are highly motivated they are valued employees. But Subby said they are so hyper-vigilant and supersensitive that they are often at odds with themselves, and feel at odds with those around them. According to Subby, ACOAs are "living life by omission...based on impressions of what they ought to do." Describing their struggle, he said their attempt to protect their fragile self-image is summed up in these words: "If I believe I am what I do, and I don't do it anymore, then I'm not!" In other words, job and identity are intertwined. And the loss of the role means loss of the identity.

Group therapy works well for such people, and Al-Anon adult children's groups can be very helpful. Subby noted that the ACOAs' problems developed in a group setting. "You have to give these people back a family." The group becomes a family of choice. A safe place. And a place for personal growth.

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