11. Living with an alcoholic is very challenging

By Tom O'Connell

Living with an alcoholic, or other addict, can challenge a person's sanity. Actually, in the Twelve Step recovery programs there is a definition of insanity that goes like this: "Insanity is when you keep repeating the same behavior while expecting a different result." The point is that when we repeat a behavior and it keeps harming us, the reasonable thing to do is change the behavior. But addiction is neither reasonable nor rational.

Alcoholics repeat their self-destructive behavior constantly, regardless of consequences, and so do their loved ones. Loved ones try to change or "fix" the alcoholic, which is rarely possible. It's like expecting a lemon to be an apple. So it becomes an exercise in futility. Experts have noted that quite often the spouse of the alcoholic becomes more ill than the drinker does, from the emotional stress of it all.

Help is available in Al-Anon, where loved ones of alcoholic share their experience, strength and hope. The Al-Anon book of daily readings titled "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon" is packed with wisdom on how to cope with alcoholics. Here are some excerpts:

July 1--"The man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow. The gift of life is personally mine, as his life belongs to him, to enjoy or destroy, as each of us wishes....He is hostile. Must I be? Am I being faithless to my marriage vows when I achieve a bit of self-confidence while he continues to suffer the pains of self-doubt?"

Here are some powerful thoughts: "I am not his guide, master or keeper. We are individuals and must each find our lonely way to our goals. My sources of comfort and strength he refuses to share with me; I have learned through bitter experience that it is fruitless to offer them."

The reading continues with this reminder: "Adjusting myself to things as they are, and being able to love without trying to interfere or control anyone else, however close to me--that is what I search for and can find in Al-Anon. The learning is sometimes painful, the reward is life itself --rich, full and serene."

The day's message closes with this quote from Thomas A'Kempis: "If you attend to yourself and to God, you will be little moved by what you perceive outside yourself."

The January 13th reading doesn't encourage martyrdom: "When will I learn that there is no compulsion...that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair...I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences....Every human being is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty, discomfort. I should take a firm stand..." Taking a firm stand requires great courage.

On March 26th the message notes that we have no power over alcohol or the alcoholic and then says, "But we do have a power derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, and then deciding what we will do about it."

Living with another person's alcoholism is challenging, and can be life-threatening. But Al-Anon provides healing, insight and support. Try some Al-Anon meetings where you will find kindred spirits who understand what you're going through. What have you got to lose but your confusion?

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