35. Perfectionism can be linked to addiction

By Tom O'Connell

For those raised in alcoholic homes, perfectionism can be addictive, and so can irresponsibility. People raised in chaos can become irresponsible as a way of life because it feels so  familiar. Or they may go in the perfectionist direction and become obsessed about control. Control of anything. Their spouses. Their children. Fellow workers. Pets.

In this quest for power, born of their own sense of helplessness when living in the shadows of alcoholic uncertainty, these "control freaks" try to control life itself. But this is an exercise in futility. Life is complicated, mysterious, and irrational. So, as perfectionists try to control the uncontrollable, they become physically, mentally, and spiritually ill.

In perfectionist homes, food is often the drug of choice. And alcohol is usually part of the picture too. The goal is "looking good." Wearing the best clothes. Driving the best cars. Going to the best schools. Living in the best houses. Perfectionists live life from the outside in, aiming at the appearance of perfection while losing touch with the inner spirit.

Many perfectionists turn to alcohol as an anesthetic for frayed nerves. Others turn to food for satisfaction. After all, the drink doesn't talk back. At least not right away. And  neither does the food. Both food and alcohol have elements of ritual and celebration about them too. The consumer chooses, prepares, swallows, and digests both alcohol and food. In the end, each substance becomes part of the one doing the consuming.

Alcohol can change our consciousness in extreme ways, but food is more subtle, at first, as the brain and central nervous system are affected by each item we eat. Some foods elevate our moods, and other items depress us. Actually, when food becomes addictive, it can lead to the same consequences as out-of-control drinking: low self-esteem, isolation, alienation, depression, negativity, irritability, and a pervading sense of impending doom.

As we eat more than our body needs, we lose control of our size and feel both physical and pychological discomfort. We are disturbed by our appearance, and depressed by our lack of control over our own craving. Then, sooner or later, in an effort to regain some control, we either decide to diet, or we procrastinate.

It was quite a revelation for me a number of years ago when I heard a lecturer on addiction say procrastination and perfectionism went hand in hand. I had thought  procrastination was a sign of laziness or a lack of organizational skills. Well, in some cases that may be true, but as it turns out, many perfectionists are subject to procrastination.

Perfectionists put things off because they believe they won't be able to do them perfectly unless there's a certain block of time available, or special conditions exist. "When the summer's over..." "After the holidays..." Perfectionists tend to be all-or-nothing types. They have a problem with the middle way, or moderation.

In recovery, using therapists and mutual help groups, perfectionists learn to move toward wholeness, not perfection. Since humans seem to have been created with both angelic and animal aspects, we can't deny our primitive tendencies, as perfectionists like to do. Yet it's not healthy to allow ourselves to be held captive by the lower instincts. It's good for us to aim high with moral and ethical standards.

At the same time, it's important for us to learn to see our imperfections with a lighter heart. Then we can be kinder to others when we confront their character flaws. It is no exaggeration to say that finding a healthy balance based on true love of self, others, and God, is a lifelong challenge. But in 12 Step recovery, there's a slogan that helps people cope with this challenge: "Progress, not perfection."

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