4. Addiction is viewed as "primary relationship"

By Tom O'Connell

It took a number of years as a writer taking notes at addiction conferences for me to shape my own views of the addictive process. And one of the most helpful turning points was when Stanley Gitlow, MD, a pioneer in the field of alcoholism, told a group of therapists at Edgehill Newport that he had revised his thinking about addiction.

In the earlier years of his career Gitlow had coined the word "sedativism" to describe alcoholic drinking. And he had felt that alcoholics were exhibiting insane behavior when they kept going back to the very habits that were destroying them.

Eventually he came to realize that alcoholics used their mind-altering substance to cope with life. This led Dr. Gitlow to frame a new definition of addiction: "Addiction is any technique for coping with the problems of life other than interpersonal relating."

I found this definition very powerful, and I think it supersedes all others. This does not mean that other definitions have no value. They do. But for me the Gitlow definition brings attention to the addict's major flaw: the inability to relate.

Gitlow's definition sees addiction as a seductive, fraudulent, life-damaging substitute for relating. And I now choose to call addiction a primary relationship, forming a triangle that separates an individual from self, others, and God or the Higher Power.

AA co-founder Bill Wilson noted in "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" that  "instinct run wild" underlies addiction, along with the "total inability" of addicts "to form a true partnership with another human being." As the addiction itself becomes one's primary relationship, it leads to what Wilson described as "self-centered behavior," "twisted relations," and "perverse soul-sickness."

I think Bill Wilson and Dr. Gitlow were saying the same thing. Addiction is a relationship problem! And although there are many aspects to addiction, the concept of relationship is central. That's why recovery is to be found in a relationship training program that provides nurturing, new insights, humor, fellowship, exposure to unconditional love, and steps toward the goal Wilson described as "emotional balance."

Twelve Step programs provide the environment where the recovering person may grow away from behaviors that impair relationships. Yet finding balance can be elusive because of the addict's inability, whether impaired or sober, to achieve healthy intimacy. Therefore, a major goal of recovery must be to develop communication skills and other skills leading to healthy, loving relationships with self, others, and God.

In recovery, addicts need to learn how to deal with "the hole in the doughnut" that remains when the primary addictive behavior such as drinking ceases. Additionally, they need to deal with the "spiritual illness" which can be kept in remission by forming healthy relationships based on emotional balance instead of obsession and compulsion.

The 12 Step Programs provide a training academy for character development and relationship building. As AA co-founder Bill Wilson so aptly stated, "Either we had tried to play God and dominate those about us, or we had insisted on being overdependent upon them....Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen your insight."

Healthy relating can be practiced by recovering people in a fellowship of equals, and then utilized in all relationships. Also, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that the key to recovery from addiction is healthy relating to self, others, and God.

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