42. Resolving conflict is a challenge in recovery

By Tom O'Connell

Since addiction recovery is about learning to have healthy relationships with self, others, and God, there is no area of exploration more relevant than conflict resolution. Why? Because conflicts shatter relationships and trigger addictive behavior.

According to Dr. Kenneth Cloke, director of the Center for Dispute Resolution,  conflicts are based on "miscommunication, misunderstanding, cultural differences, poor choice of language, false expectations, differences in values...." And the list goes on.

Does he know what he's talking about? When organizations like Xerox and Disney Feature Animation need conflicts resolved, they call him in to help them. And his advice to mental health professionals at Einstein College of Medicine's recent Cape Cod Institute can be relevant for families and couples as well as organizations.

"Most of us have not been trained in techniques for resolving conflicts," he reports, "so we avoid facing them, and they continue to fester, even after they result in unacceptable loss....Many of our conflicts ultimately settle, yet never reach the underlying issues, attitudes or emotions that, left unresolved, only emerge later to create new conflicts or problems in other areas."

How many people do you know who enter one troublesome relationship after another, operate like a volcano about to explode, blame their partners for their problems, and never get to the root of their own attitudes and emotions? They can't handle conflict.

What's the result of the inability to handle conflict well? Cloke believes we've generated a culture that is "defensive and confrontational, and unable to see conflicts as opportunities for growth, learning and change."

In the room where he gave his workshop, these messages appeared on flipcharts: "Remaining centered." "Walking the talk." "Creating closure." "Reaching forgiveness."  "Singing to the sharks."

Under the heading, "Paths to resolution/transformation," he provided this helpful listing:

*Listen with your heart.

*Understand the story.

*Search below the surface.

*Initiate dialogue over interest.

*Solve problems jointly, creatively, paradoxically.

*Negotiate collaboratively.

*Resolve impasses intuitively.

*Remember and forgive.

*Close the process spiritually.

"The process of resolving conflict involves remembering exactly what has happened, and then communicating this to the other person," says Cloke. "In revenge, conflict is still not complete for you. Forgiveness is a way of releasing ourselves from the burden of our false expectations."

Bitterness and resentment are toxic and when we choose to carry them with us we are engaging in a form of self-poisoning. The antidote? Forgiveness.

- Back -