43. Forgiveness is a key ingredient in conflict resolution

By Tom O'Connell

One of the world's leading mediators in disputes stresses the importance of forgiveness. Dr. Kenneth Cloke, addressing the Einstein College of Medicine's Cape Cod Institute, said, "After forgiveness comes reconciliation."

But victims of "unforgivable" insults from addicted loved ones often want revenge. "Revenge," he says, "is the place you get to when your rage and shame have combined and you are willing to destroy yourself in order to harm the other person."

Revenge is the "false completion" of a conflict, he reports, and people tend to overdo it. "The true completion is forgiveness, and the completion is for oneself." He doesn't say we should condone evil. "Forgiveness is not absolution." It's a way to help the other person understand by holding oneself up as a mirror.

Stating that Gandhi spoke truth to those in power, Cloke said, "Telling the truth about your own suffering is more powerful than returning an insult. Hatred destroys your effectiveness." What about forgiving and forgetting? "There's a danger in forgetting. This may lead to repetition of the situation. Remember and then forgive. Remember exactly what has happened and communicate this to the other person."

According to Cloke, "Forgiveness is seeing the other person and ourselves without judgment." And he presents these five easy steps to forgiveness...

•     Remember in detail what happened and how it made you feel.

•     Understand the other person, hearing what the person thought happened, and how the person felt while experiencing it.

•     Identify the reasons that prevent you from reaching forgiveness, and your expectations of how you would have liked the other person to have acted.

•     Choose to accept responsibility for your life and choose to release yourself from your expectations and the reasons that keep you from forgiving.

•     Create a ritual act of release, of letting go and forgiveness, as for example, shaking hands, burning a list of what the other person did wrong, etc.

"The actual shaking of hands is the letting go of the conflict," he says. To let go,  both people must take responsibility for their choices. No excuses. No defense. The one who won't apologize and move on is stuck, and becomes a barrier to reconciliation.

 "Forgiveness is the only real closing of a boundary," he says. "Revenge is a boundary violation." It's a way to pass on one's pain and "guard one's own victimization." On the other hand, "Forgiveness is reclaiming a human being as a human being." Cloke says closure involves some sense of completion. So it's important for each person to say what needs to be said.

Here are some additional tips from Cloke, who feels conflict means opportunity:

•     Reflect on the process.

•      Compliment the other person on being willing to show up.

•     Focus on what can conceivably happen in the future as both people move forward.

Saying good-bye to the therapists and other health professionals attending, Cloke said, "Best wishes...and have wonderful conflicts!"

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