51. People raised in alcoholic homes are anxious during the Holidays

By Tom O'Connell

People who were raised in alcoholic homes tend be anxious during the Holiday Season. They may put on a happy face, but memories of early Holiday disasters are resting there in the deep recesses of their minds. And those memories give rise to tension.

Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) recall family fights around the Holidays. And they may remember seeing a Christmas tree fly through the air as it was hurled in a fit of rage. They also may remember missing parents who were out somewhere "celebrating" instead of being home on Christmas Eve to tuck the children in for the night.

In addition, there may be memories of parents with hangovers who were there bodily on Christmas morning, but not present mentally. Also, some people may recall an alcoholic mom getting herself intoxicated while hanging out in the kitchen to tend the oven.

Having lived in chaos as children, grownups who have survived the marital wars and the broken promises of their alcoholic parents tend to "walk on eggshells" during the Holidays. After all, that's how it was in their childhoods. And the memories run so deep.

Therapist Janet Woititz, a pioneer in the study of children of alcoholics and how their experiences impact their adult lives, describes the alcoholic home as "a very angry, hostile place." Among the results of living in such a place are a lack of self-confidence and "the sense of not being desirable."

During the Holiday Season, the fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame that were absorbed in the alcoholic home can haunt relationships. To cope, adult children who are not in recovery may turn to alcohol, drugs, compulsive eating, addictive sex, and other unhealthy behaviors.

Even those in recovery may turn to the "C" word, "control." Terrified of losing control, ACOAs will go to great lengths to maintain it, and this can make them hard to live with. However, some ACOAs may go to the other extreme of "people pleasing." Woititz says, "If I do what you want, I don't have to risk confrontation." But we humans were designed to be free spirits, not doormats. And free spirits confront when necessary.

Obviously, the extremes get us in trouble. Although there are times we need to hold our ground and set limits, we don't want to be "control freaks." And neither do we want to be martyrs. Usually, the middle way is the healthy way.

ACOAs in mutual help groups such as Al-Anon, and those receiving guidance by skilled therapists, are learning to handle relationships wisely. They have learned that they can enjoy the Holidays no matter what happened in childhood. Also, they're discovering how to create healthy family units that aren't locked into either control or people pleasing.

Can we control the stress of this time of year? Within limits. Also, each day of the Holiday Season we can follow some advice from the "Courage to Change" book published by Al-Anon:  "Let me make this day a celebration of the spirit. There is a part of me that retains a childlike sense of curiosity, wonder, enthusiasm, and delight. I may have lost touch with it, but I know it still exists. I will set my problems to the side for a little while and appreciate what it means to be vitally alive."

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