6. Couples can move from addictive to healthy relationships

By Tom O'Connell

The word "relationship" has taken on new shades of meaning in recent years. Basically, it means being "connected" and involves "sympathetic understanding and awareness in one's personal relationships," according to Webster's New World Dictionary. But the word "relation" now includes another meaning, "sexual intercourse," which was not included in older dictionaries. Changes in our morality can change our language.

Unfortunately for the art of relating, sexual activity has become a central focus   instead of simply one part of a healthy relationship. And now the question, "Are you in a relationship?" means "Are you having sex with him or her?" In these times, people often have sexual intercourse before they even get to know each other, using sex addictively.

Addiction is a substitute for relating. It impairs the ability to relate in depth, so  addictive relationships need to be avoided. Addictive sex is not only hazardous to everybody's health, it is especially dangerous for people recovering from alcoholism and other addictions. The pain brought on by sexual addiction can trigger relapse.

When Dr. Harville Hendrix, a leading couples therapist, talks about healthy relating the focus is not on sexual technique, it's about truly connecting. It's about mirroring, validation, and empathy. It's about caring behavior.

Speaking at the Cape Cod Institute, sponsored by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, Hendrix told therapists, "Moving into relationality is where the psyche is healed, not vice-versa...it's not healing the psyche first and then moving into relationality."

Healthy relating heals us, he says, and we heal by doing it, not by trying to develop a perfect mind first and relating later. Relating is a process, not an event, and it requires deep involvement. Also, fun is important in relating. Hendrix believes that in the Western world we defend against pleasure although we take vacations and plan fun. "If you cut off pleasure you block energy, and the psyche feels something is missing. The Western world has a culture of suffering and repression that's anti-pleasure and anti-joy."

Working with couples, he moves them into "high energy fun." He gets partners to describe each other in positive ways, so they can produce feelings of caring and love. Then comes discussion of what has been said. Hendrix notes that couples often save their high energy for negative comments: "Stop that!" "I hate that!" He encourages them to be "as intensely positive as they are rageful," and to give absolute affirmations like "You're fantastic!" The partner then reports how it feels to be complimented enthusiastically.

In a "positive flooding" scenario that Hendrix creates, one partner sits, and the other walks around the seated person saying wonderful things about his or her body, traits, and actions. Some people have a difficult time receiving positive affirmations; others have difficulty giving them. But they are part of what a loving relationship is all about.

In your close relationships, try shouting with enthusiasm to your friend or mate, "I really like you! I think you're fantastic! I love you!" Try to bring back the original enthusiasm you had before you realized your loved one had flaws and wasn't perfect.

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